Killing Time/ Going Crazy

Tomorrow marks 6 weeks. Part if me feels like time has flown by when the other part of me feels very impatient. I have a million questions. I am also a planner at the core so, having something so important, so up in the air….. is driving me CRAZY!

I had to move the date of our first scan which was originally scheduled for the 16th. Considering the federal holiday (Presidents’ Day) and no school we had to reschedule. The next day they had after 9:00 (Kylie doesn’t get on the bus until 7:50 and most mornings it takes us an hour plus to get to SGFC) wasn’t until Friday. So sorry inquiring minds, looks like finding out if we are having a baby or a gaggle is postponed for a few more days. I am disappointed that we have to wait longer but I feel confident (health wise) and I am hoping the extra time will give us some good news.

This will be the most nerve wracking appointment so far seeing that this is the same appointment we confirmed the loss of Willow. I sometimes feel guilty about trying again so soon or feeling more confident this time. It has also made it very difficult to relax and enjoy pregnancy. I made a promise at the beginning of this journey that I would share it with those who wanted to share in our story, even the gritty not so pretty parts but I am finding it harder to talk about it this time around. I know my concerns are legitimate but sometimes I get the impression that I may come across over paranoid/obsessed/or overall annoying and ignorant. Sometimes it is just hard to express this process. I see a lot of people talk about the best things to say to someone with infertility or what not to say but to be honest I think a better way to put it is don’t say anything. The best thing you can do is listen. Don’t judge. The times when I have felt the best are the times when someone just lets me express my concerns without interjecting advice. Please don’t think I am being ungrateful but this process comes with so much guilt. I think that besides the insane amounts of hormones coursing through my body (on top of the ones I inject into myself each night), this upcoming scan has me overwhelming scared and extra sensitive. I am scared sometimes that if it isn’t twins people are going to be disappointed or I am going to be disappointed that I couldn’t support the two. It is hard to express the guilt that comes along with the continued failure of one’s own body.

When I am not ranting my nonsensical emotions, What do I do you ask?

Well this week I have been taking it easy and consuming every bit of information I can. I guess I didn’t allow myself to believe it was possible both embryos could have taken until this week. As soon as it did though, I think all the pros vs cons of 1 vs. 2 embryos came back to the surface. I knew that if they both took, like the numbers suggested, it was going to feel like becoming first time expecting parents all over again. Although the basics are the same, there are so many other things to consider or prepare for with multiples. I want to be prepared. Knowing everything that makes my case high risk, I wanted to give my baby/babies the best possible chance at development and survival.

While reading I discovered that multiples hardly ever make it to their due date which is already 2 weeks shorter than a singleton pregnancy. Not everything I read is doom and gloom but it has given me a lot to consider. One of the number one causes of preterm labor, especially with multiples, is high blood pressure issues. Since we live in a pretty rural area the closest LevelIII NICU is 2 hours away.  I know it is very early on and I could be concerned for nothing but I feel that considering this possibility is going to be essential in the coming weeks. I want to ensure that our baby/babies are in the best hands. Within the next 2-4 weeks we will be assembling our medical team outside of Shady Grove and I already have a very long list of questions that I have complied from the materials I have read. I will post this list along with their answers after our first OB or Fetal Medicine Specialist visit.

The material I keep referring to includes blogs of other mothers of multiples along with this great list I found 7 Books for New Parents of Twins. My local library system had all but the Double Trouble book. My current favorite is When You’re Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads: Proven Guidelines for a Healthy Multiple Pregnancy by Barbara Luke and Tamara Eberlein. The book was written by two health professional one of which is a professor in the Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Biology at Michigan State University. She makes a huge push for nutrition, especially in the first trimester. She reports on a lot of studies done over time through a multiples clinic she directed. She also talks about assembling your medical team and the many option and situations you may face in the coming trimesters. I decided to read this one first because I saw it recommended by several sources along with the fact that it is on it’s third edition.

If you are a parent of multiples, where did you get most of your information? What were your biggest concerns early on?

If you are a planner what are some ways you cope with things beyond your control?

 

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2 thoughts on “Killing Time/ Going Crazy

  1. I look forward to reading your future posts. I read all your facebook posts without judgement I hope you know that if you need a sounding board or ‘listening ear’ I am here for you. I have not had firsthand experience with infertility but I have experienced the heartache of a miscarriage.The only unsolicited advice I would give you is that you might need to slow down a little. Be well, and I love you!!

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